Tag Archives: friendship

A Nice Guy, or a Good Guy?

man-male-happy-face-guy-portrait-198949My friend was talking about a man who had stalked, restrained and physically attacked a woman we knew when she said, “But he’s basically a good guy.”  Shocked, I clarified:  “No, he’s a nice guy.  Definitely not a good guy.”

A nice guy, or a good guy?

We both knew this person.  He had been a guest in both of our homes.  He was attractive, charming, likable and a great conversationalist, making him very pleasant company.  However, beneath the surface, his niceness paled in comparison to his aggression, threatening behavior and willingness to put others at risk.

Yes, we all have bad days. We all have triggers that can cause us to behave unlike our better selves.  But someone who deliberately intimidates, terrorizes or attacks another person?  That’s not a good person.

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Tell Me About Your Friends

“Friends” is a word that is overused today.  Out of habit and inclusion, we will refer to almost anyone as “my friend,” when the vast majority of these people are acquaintances or just familiar strangers.

  • Best friends
  • Work friends
  • Church friends
  • Neighbors
  • High school friends
  • College friends
  • Professional friends
  • Teachers/students
  • Running buddies
  • Fishing buddies
  • Hunting buddies
  • Facebook friends

Perhaps you get coffee from the same barista every day.   Run into the same lady walking her dog at the park.  See the same guys at the gym.  Sit next to the same couple at every football game.  Have your oil changed by the same technicians at the same Jiffy Lube.   Sit next to those nice kids at church.  Pass the same runners on the street, wave and smile.  You chat about the weather, your kids, your workout, your car, your favorite teams…

Are these people your friends, or are they just being friendly?  Are they good neighbors, or just being neighborly?  If they show up at your door on a Sunday afternoon, will you open it?  What if they show up in the middle of the night and ask for your help?

In reality, I have a few really close, true friends.   I trust them implicitly.  I have a lot more acquaintances, some great professional relationships, some fantastic students, some good running buddies…you get the picture.

Talk is cheap, and trust, if misplaced, can be costly.  When you interact with people outside your inner circle, whether in person or online, consider two things:  how do you know them, and in what context?  When they appear in your life out of context, that should raise a red flag.  Be extra vigilant, consider their possible motivations, and act based on that knowledge.

Toward that end, I highly recommend reading The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker.  It is inexpensive, easy to read, well organized, and the single best book I’ve read on personal safety.  Give it a read.  You’ll be glad you did!