Category Archives: Self defense

A Nice Guy, or a Good Guy?

man-male-happy-face-guy-portrait-198949My friend was talking about a man who had stalked, restrained and physically attacked a woman we knew when she said, “But he’s basically a good guy.”  Shocked, I clarified:  “No, he’s a nice guy.  Definitely not a good guy.”

A nice guy, or a good guy?

We both knew this person.  He had been a guest in both of our homes.  He was attractive, charming, likable and a great conversationalist, making him very pleasant company.  However, beneath the surface, his niceness paled in comparison to his aggression, threatening behavior and willingness to put others at risk.

Yes, we all have bad days. We all have triggers that can cause us to behave unlike our better selves.  But someone who deliberately intimidates, terrorizes or attacks another person?  That’s not a good person.

There’s a big difference between being a nice person and a good person, and this is an important distinction.  Sometimes, social pressures dictate that we soften our message by adding a disclaimer such as “but he’s a good guy,” “he tries hard,” or simply “bless his heart.” (Hat tip to all the Southern ladies…)  When you hear these disclaimers leave your tongue, consider the reason behind your need to soften your words.

  • Are you afraid of offending the person to whom you’re speaking about the individual or event? If so, why?
  • Are you concerned that your harsh words might be repeated, or get back to the person of whom you’re speaking? Is this a social concern, or a concern for your own safety and wellbeing?
  • Is softening your words a type of “trial balloon” to gauge the other person’s reaction to your thoughts? Remember, you have a right to think what you think and feel what you feel.  No one else in the world has your exact experience and knowledge base, and these things constitute the seat of intuition, your greatest advocate!

Gavin de Becker wrote in his excellent book, The Gift of Fear: “Intuition is always learning, and though it may occasionally send a signal that turns out to be less than urgent, everything it communicates to you is meaningful.  Unlike worry, it will not waste your time.”  De Becker nails it…intuition always has your best interest at heart, so to speak, if you’ll only listen.

Perspective will give you the information you need to stay safe:

  1. How do you know the person?
  2. How well do you know the person?
  3. How long have you known the person?
  4. In what situation did you meet/interact with the person?
  5. And the bottom line:  why do you feel the way you do?

Author Bob Samples wrote, “Albert Einstein once spoke of intuition as a sacred gift and likened rationality to a faithful servant. Our basic purpose was to shift the tendency to worship the servant and ignore the sacred.”

Trust your intuition, don’t rationalize actual danger signals, and take action to keep yourself out of harm’s way.

Stay safe!

Believe Them the First Time – 6 Questions to Help You “Hear” Your Inner Voice

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.When someone shows you who he is, believe him the first time. Don’t wait for him to show you again.  If we’d all actually believe our eyes and ears and listen to our gut feelings, we’d avoid a lot of pain and heartache.  From business relationships to dating, and from online communications to in-person meetings, you can believe what people tell you…if you know how to listen.

I met someone recently I liked and felt comfortable with almost instantly.  This is rare for me, and was almost a “red flag” in and of itself.  However, when I considered what I knew about this person, that added context increased my comfort level, as did his willingness to answer questions directly and share relevant historical, professional and personal information.  We discussed appropriate topics, he respected my personal space, and allowed me to set the pace of our meeting.

What’s the context?  How long have you known this person? How did you meet?  Do you have shared business associates or friends, or did you simply meet by chance or through a shared activity or common location?

What does the person want?  If he is asking for too much, too soon, that should serve as a warning.  Is a new coworker asking you to cover for him?  Is a first date expecting to spend the night with you? If he’s asking for more than you’re willing to give, say no and be prepared for further rebuttals.  Whether he’s asking for money, a ride, to hold your baby, to enter your home, or any favor you’re uncomfortable granting, trust your intuition and stand up for yourself.

Does he have something to hide?  Perhaps he avoids certain topics or diverts your attention any time you get too close to a particular subject.  Watch for someone who embellishes too much, can’t keep his story straight, or is unwilling to share information that’s generally considered “normal.”  Be sure to consider context here as well.

Does he insinuate himself into your life?  Whether it’s a coworker casually joining a conversation or meeting where he doesn’t belong or an acquaintance showing up at your home or work “by coincidence,” trust your gut feeling.  Don’t let social pressures (I don’t want to be rude) cause you to put yourself in danger or at a disadvantage.  Don’t let someone into your home that you wouldn’t have invited anyway, especially if it’s an unexpected visit.

Does a stranger or acquaintance use “forced teaming” as a manipulation?  Say you and another person are walking from a store to the parking lot and it’s starting to rain.  He turns to you and says, “We’d better get those groceries loaded fast!” and moves to help you put your things into your vehicle.  Remember, you don’t know this person and you didn’t ask for his help.  If your gut tells you “NO,” then firmly decline and be vigilant until he leaves.

Are you seeing a distinct change in behavior?  If an acquaintance, a familiar stranger or even a friend suddenly displays erratic behavior, ask yourself why.  What’s causing the sudden change, and how does it affect you?  Perhaps you’re in the car with a coworker who begins driving recklessly because he’s angry.  It’s important that you speak up and don’t rationalize his behavior, risking an accident.  Or maybe a dependable friend begins “flaking out” on lunch dates or other activities, and drops off your radar.  Take the time to check on him…he may have concerns you don’t realize, need assistance, or simply want a listening ear.  Again, trust your intuition and don’t put yourself in danger by taking it for granted that the situation is safe.

Takeaways:

  • Pay attention and be alert.
  • Trust your instincts.
  • Don’t make excuses or rationalize.
  • Consider everything you know, put it in context, and act accordingly.

If you enjoyed this post, please follow me to receive notification of new blogs as they’re published.  Questions? Drop me a line at redrivertkd@gmail.com.

Image: Quotefancy.com

 

10 Reasons Your Mom Should Take a Self Defense Class

Common sense for self defense

Self defense really is for everyone. You don’t have to be in shape, have martial arts training or any special skills…just a desire to stay safe!

Self defense is simply the right combination of situational awareness, safe choices and behaviors, and physical/mental readiness that enables you to avoid, evade, escape or survive an attack.  Note that I don’t say “a person” when I write…because I’m talking about you, your mom, your daughter, your friend, your neighbor…not just “someone.”

Why should YOU take a self defense class?  Here are my top 10 reasons:

  1. You are unique. You’re the only you in the world, and there will never be another.  You have value and worth, and it’s not okay if someone tries to harm you.
  2. Growth. “A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.” Step outside your comfort zone and try something new.
  3. Muscle memory. Just like you’re able to ride a bike, type without looking at the keyboard, throw a ball, or any number of things you’ve trained your body to do…delivering a solid strike or performing a release move you’ve learned and practiced will come right back to you.
  4. Basic training. When you’re suddenly faced with a potential attacker and experience the “adrenaline dump,” you’ll revert to your lowest level of training. It’s up to you what that training might be.
  5. Good times! Self defense classes are fun. No, really…they are!  The instructor(s) work hard to provide you with useful information and tools you can use, in a comfortable and safe setting.
  6. A safe place to learn. Self defense doesn’t equate to sparring, grappling, or any of those other things you’re afraid of. Don’t worry that you’re going to wind up pinned beneath some sweaty, hulking stranger, boxing with a pro who has a chip on his shoulder, or trying to identify and recall obscure pressure points when you sign up for a self defense class at your YMCA or dojang.
  7. Empowerment! Learning new skills, pushing your boundaries and meeting new people is a great confidence builder.
  8. You might get to hit things or break stuff. A fun, memorable confidence builder for some people is actually hitting or kicking target pads…or breaking pine boards or “rebreakable” plastic boards (“green,” plus they provide a consistent break every time)!  The instructors will teach you how to do this safely and successfully.
  9. Safer behaviors. Changing just one or two unsafe habits could avert an attack, a break-in, or worse.
  10. Better odds. Statistics indicate that one in three women in the U.S. will be assaulted during her lifetime.  If you had one-in-three odds of winning the lottery, wouldn’t you play?  This is a lottery you don’t want to win.

I encourage my students (and their moms) to take every self defense class they can.  Every single instructor has something to offer you, regardless of your skill level, personal fitness, and past experience.  Don’t put it off…invest in your safety today and enroll in a self defense class, whether it’s a one-time seminar, a hands-on class, or an ongoing academy.  You owe it to yourself and to those who care about you.

Interested in a self defense class or have questions?  Contact the author directly at redrivertkd@gmail.com.

unlocked-open-door

Don’t Go In There!

Self defense begins with making safe choices for yourself and those for whom you are responsible.  Sometimes habit or emotion gets in the way, but staying aware and alert can go a long way toward keeping you safe.

My good friend recently arrived home to find her front door standing open a bit. She knew she had closed and locked the door when she left for work, but there it was…open. She is a smart person with life experience and has taken at least one self defense class, but habit and emotion kicked in, and with a fit of righteous indignance, she walked in and began searching the house.

Fortunately, the intruders had left, taking some of her belongings with them.  What if they hadn’t?  Was she prepared to defend herself against a startled and possibly armed person who was breaking the law, escalating a burglary into a robbery or even an assault or rape?  By isolating herself inside the house, she potentially gave an intruder all the opportunity needed to commit further crimes against her, and took away her own escape route (get in the car and/or leave) and sources of assistance (neighbors).

Our homes are indeed our castles, and contain the majority of our possessions…but it’s still just “stuff,” and not worth losing your life.  By entering her home instead of calling the police, my friend unthinkingly exposed herself to serious risk.

Of course she felt angry; her home had been violated.  Of course she was incredulous; she had locked the door, but it was standing open.  Of course she felt safe; it was her home, where she has lived for over a decade.  It’s hard to process that a formerly safe place or situation can suddenly become anything but safe.  Being open to new information (my door is open, so someone could be inside), listening to your gut feeling and intuition, and finally, acting on that information will do more toward keeping you safe than anything else you could do.

No matter how good your intentions, if you zone out at the wrong moment or are simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, you could be the target of an assault or other crime.  Be prepared mentally and physically to fight back, escape and call for help.  You may be a target, but you don’t have to be a victim.

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listen-to-yourself

Listen to Yourself!

“Would you just listen to yourself?”  Although this sounds like something your best friend might say when you’re being unreasonable, or even an admonishment from a frustrated parent, it is the best safety advice I can give.  If you will allow yourself to listen to – and hear – your own true voice, and act on what it tells you, you can avoid many dangerous situations.

We’ve all had “gut feelings” before.  It’s very easy to explain your gut feeling about something or someone after something happens, but often very difficult to explain it beforehand. You may feel uneasy being alone with a coworker, or get a “weird vibe” from a guy at the gas pump across from yours.  You might even walk into a store, get a panicky feeling, and simply leave.

We are the only living creatures on this planet who rationalize away fears, worries or instincts. We do this because of social pressures, fear of embarrassment, or the inability to articulate or explain what we are feeling.  A cat or dog can go from being startled and defensive to being calm and affectionate within a few seconds.  They are unconcerned about what their peers think, or whether they should be embarrassed for overreacting to a false threat. Don’t let your internal monologue (“this can’t be happening to me” or “I’m sure he didn’t mean that” or “this will turn out okay”) keep you from acting on your intuition – your gut instinct.

As Gavin de Becker writes in his outstanding book The Gift of Fear, “When it comes to survival signals, our minds have already done their best work by the time we try to figure things out.” De Becker also writes, “…when it comes to danger, intuition is always right in at least two important ways: 1) It is always in response to something. 2) It always has your best interest at heart.”

Listen to yourself.  Trust your instincts and act on them! Stay safe…and while you’re at it, make an investment in your safety and read The Gift of Fear.  It’s available in hardback, paperback, digital and audio versions.

sparring-is-not-fighting

Sparring is Not Fighting

Amateur and professional sports events such as Mixed Martial Arts, boxing and professional wrestling, as well as Taekwon-Do, Jiu-Jitsu, Karate and other martial arts classes, have led the general public to view these sporting matches as “fights.”  These talented professional and amateur athletes also contribute to the misnomer, hyping the events with rivalries, wagers and taunts.  However, there are several important differences between these sporting events or tournaments and actual fights.

Athletes have weeks or months to train for the event.  They know the day, time, and location it will be held.  Athletes know who their opponent will be, and have agreed to meet that opponent in a fair match on equal footing. They know what the stakes are – a title, a belt, a medal, a coveted match with a specific contender, or even a hefty payday. Athletes know which weapons, if any, will be allowed in their competition. They wear required protective gear such as gloves, mouthpieces, and groin protection, and can rest assured that a referee will be watching for illegal techniques and assessing penalties for infractions. Athletes know that the event will last only a specified amount of time, and that in the event of a serious injury, their coach or the medical staff can stop the match. Athletes know that the event will be held in a well-lighted area, the rules won’t change mid-event, and that no bystanders will join in to gang up on them.

A fight may occur in any place, at any time, and for a myriad of reasons. There may be multiple opponents, with makeshift weapons or even knives or guns. The attacker(s) may be angry over a perceived slight, impaired by drugs or alcohol, or simply thrill seekers out to prove their dominance or increase their standing with their peer group. There In many cases, only one person knows that the fight is about to happen.  There is often no one to intervene, offer assistance or call police until the fight is long over. Fights are not fair. Sand is thrown, hair is pulled, eyes are gouged.  Any possible advantage is taken and exploited.

Avoid a fight if you possibly can. If you can’t, protect yourself (and your loved ones) as best you can, and escape as soon as you can.  Don’t waste time thinking,”This can’t be happening,” or rationalizing your attacker’s reasoning.  The altercation could be over by the time you make sense out of the situation.  Trust your instincts and take action, whether that means running, taking cover, arming yourself, assuming a defensive stance (hands up, body turned sideways to be a smaller target), or striking out at your assailant.

If there are bystanders, ask for their help: “You in the red shirt! Call 9-1-1!”  Clearly and loudly communicate your desire to avoid a fight by saying, “I don’t want any trouble,” or even, “Don’t hit me!”  Your words may figure heavily in a lawsuit or police report if bystanders are asked what they remember.

If you can’t avoid an attack, be sure to go get checked out afterward.  You might have a concussion or internal bleeding if you’ve fallen or been struck.  Worse, what feels like a hard punch or kick could wind up being a stab wound. Don’t take chances…and be sure to file a police report as soon as possible.

Stay safe!

online-safety-identity

Is It Really You?

Fortune tellers do it.  Identity thieves do it. Phishers do it. Salespeople even do it, to a certain extent.  Taking a little bit of existing information and making an educated guess, trying to establish rapport and “fill in the gaps” is a common practice.

We give away information about ourselves all the time, and unscrupulous individuals can find a way to take advantage.  Knowing who you’re dealing with is absolutely essential in today’s online world!

I recently received an instant message from a longtime friend, and it just didn’t feel right.  She had never IM’ed me before, although we frequently exchange phone calls, text messages and even snail mail.  We exchanged greetings, then I asked, “How is your new puppy doing?”

When her response read, “Great,” I knew immediately that I was not talking with my friend.  I was expecting something more along the lines of, “Have you lost your mind?  I don’t have any pets, let alone a puppy!”

The person on IM kept chatting, and I played along, staying engaged until I found out what he/she wanted (bank info) before “outing” them, whereupon the message window closed and the account itself disappeared.  I called my friend immediately to let her know about the hacker so she could take the appropriate steps.

There are many ways to hide behind a computer screen, and many scammers trying to take advantage of those who are uninformed, unaware or overly trusting.  Take a moment to review your privacy settings on your social media accounts. Make sure you actually know who is seeing your posts and photos, and keep your private information private.

Stay safe!